I made it 2 weeks longer than my initial goal. We are at 4 weeks at Emma has yet to have a drop of formula.
She's a great baby. A great eater, a great sleeper, a great cuddler. She doesn't spit up, doesn't have bad diapers, doesn't scream after she burps...some of my unfounded fears and horrible vivid memories of Ali's first year of life. Which I'm now projecting upon baby #3. Yes, projecting. I know that's a no-no.
In the past 4 weeks, I've used the following drugs, herbs, and "gear" to make it where we are today:
--nipple shields
--nipple shells (yes, they're different)
--different pump parts than the original
--2 big boxes of nursing pads before I switched to reusable
--2 tubes of Lanolin
--prescription strength Triple Nipple Ointment
--Nifedipine (for blood circulation)
--Diflucan (for yeast)
--Sunflower Lecithin
--Fenugreek
--Blessed Thistle
--Tylenol and Ibuprofen around the clock (after pain pills ended)
--Nystatin and Bactroban, currently waiting to be picked up (I need to pick one)
I've seen an IBCLC 3 times, called my OB office once a week (along with an off-site consult at Flat Branch), talked to my GP doc, and seen a dermatologist. My LC says she sees 1-2 of "me" per year. I told Joel I'm happy to be part of such an elite club.
No one has an answer. Well, I take that back. Everyone has a proposed answer, they just don't really match up and they're not really conclusive answers. I've cried almost every day, but this week has been better. After a swift kick in the pants from my voice of reason (J).
The bottom line is I don't trust God in yet another area. I don't trust Him (still) with Ali's health (obviously, since I'm still bothered by things that occurred a few years ago). Now I don't trust Him with Emma's impending health if we have to switch to formula. During a recent breakdown, I told Joel I just wanted the best for her. He quickly put me in my place saying that if I was striving for the best of everything for our kids, I better stop. They will not always have the "best" in life and we HAVE to trust God to fill in the gaps. HE is the best for her, for us.
That's perspective for you.
So - where do I (we) go from here. I'm pumping through the pain until I feel ok about stopping and/or until the pain subsides. I woke up today thinking about how glorious it'd be to not be in pain for a day, which means, the inevitable is probably approaching sooner rather than later.
The catch-22 of this whole thing is the MOM GUILT kicks in. I mean breast is best, right? Breastfed babies are smarter, happier, healthier, prettier, cleaner, smell better, grow up to be CEO's, CFO's...the list goes on and on. Throw on top of that the fact I had 3 c-sections, I'm a working mom, I use disposable diapers, I don't plan to homeschool my kids, and Joel and I don't have a problem getting a babysitter maybe too often.
I mean, maybe it's true, but seriously, what a burden to carry. Shame on the extremists, the marketers, the commercials, the doctors, the _____, the _____ who love to make this a do-or-die issue. And I fall for it every time, because yes, there's some truth in it. But currently, I'm neglecting 2 other kids and a husband, to strive for the "best" -- and at what cost? Spiritually, my desire and motivation is out of whack. Monetarily, we're spending tons grasping for an answer, and emotionally, I am swinging from mountaintops to valleys hoping to catch a break in between.
We'll see what happens. I know in the end, God is faithful and with us and will take care of my kids. From now until they're 99. We're bound to make some "bad" choices in raising them, and I hope we do, so He can work and we can all grow from it. And I hope I can shed the mom guilt and move on to enjoy raising 3 dancing princesses.
