This affinity for fall is somewhat new-found, and dare I say, since I embraced the world of antidepressants.
It started in college, and in all actuality, probably started in high school. I remember feeling really moody as a 14-yr-old, and progressively so as a 16-yr-old. Hormones? Probably. But I remember sitting in a doctor's office and just crying for no reason during a check up. I really wanted birth control pills because I heard those "leveled you out." Of course, that's usually a bad thing to tell your parents - it's only normal of them to assume the "other" reason you want to be on birth control...
During my sophomore year of college, the crying spells started again. And stomach problems. My hair started falling out. I went to bed super early. I stayed in my room. I avoided social gatherings. My adviser pulled me into her office and asked if I was ok because my classmates were starting to wonder. I reached an all-time low weight of 108 pounds. I took 5-6 pills a day to control what was diagnosed as IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). I became "super spiritual" during this time to try and make it through. After all, isn't that what you're supposed to do? Pray more. Trust more. There's a reason for everything. Push through.
I saw the light as my senior year rolled around and luckily, I had a few years of pretty constant happiness.
Then I got married. (Sorry, Joel).
Lots of transitions in a short amount of time, and lo and behold, fall was upon us with winter coming quickly. I spiraled quickly and found myself unable to sleep or eat or pray. That's right - I couldn't pray. With seemingly nowhere else to turn, I got some drugs. And holy cow, a few weeks later, I "woke up." My sleeping pills were glorious and I felt lighter and more with it. I started praying again.
I have SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. And starting a few years ago, I take a round of Prozac starting in September-October and wean in April-May. My doctor described it best: depression is real. It can hit all of a sudden and it can be too late to work your way out of it before it gets better. If your brain uses all its serotonin fighting stress, there's a depletion that cannot be replenished without changing the chemistry in the brain. Antidepressants can help with that.
Yes, there are people who abuse antidepressants. And yes, there are people who can fight these blue feelings and pray more and probably trust God more. But I stopped envying those people and beating myself up for not be as spiritual, and pop a pill to get me through. It's worth it. To me and to my family, my coworkers, and my friends.
I don't like being a druggie, so I'm not one. But I'm thankful for those who are skilled in this area and have created a "help" for people like me.
I was unable to do my yearly fall and winter round when I was pregnant with Emma, and I was pleased when I thought I'd escape the post-partum blues as well. Then, when she was 7 weeks old, I woke up one morning and decided I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to do anything, including take care of my kids. That's when I emailed my doctor and said, "It's time."
If you're struggling with feeling like you're swimming under water and not going anywhere, or with serious sleep deprivation from racing thoughts, or not wanting to engage with friends and family, or even worse - not eating or wanting to get out of bed, GET HELP. It's the brave thing to do. It may not be the most supported thing to do (especially by loved ones) or even the "right" thing or the most spiritual thing. But if it's right for you, then it's right for you. And that's what matters.
It is true. Jesus loves you. He is ultimately all we need. A little blue pill is not the cure-all. It does not save us nor warrant our full trust. Jesus does. And with that perspective, we can lean on earthly measures with hope that this world and its troubles will fade away and one day there will be no more sickness or sadness.
Until then, keep praying. Keep trusting. And take the little blue pill if you need to.
Here's a great sermon if you want to hear more.
http://thecrossingchurch.com/media-feeds/darkness-after-the-dawn/
