Musings of a new SAHM

For four months now, I've been a FT SAHM 95% of the time.  (Mom - that stands for full-time-stay-at-home-mom).  As the days pass, I am becoming more and more comfortable in my "new" role, and I can't imagine working more than I currently am at the moment.  I mean, really, I'm gone a maximum of 6 hours a week during the day, and about 1/3 of that time is spent running errands.  I hardly call the other 2/3 "work."  More like a hobby I really enjoy.

When I was a PT SAHM, I had this impression, and sometimes jealousy, of FT SAHMs.  They probably rolled out of bed after their late alarm went off, took the kids to school in their pajamas (or workout clothes), watched daytime tv, snacked all day, went to story time and Lend 'n Learn and music lessons and Little Gymmers and had playdates with other SAHMs.  I mean, I had the best of both worlds in my opinion: office time and home time.  Adult interaction and time to clean my house.

But really, I was stressed the hec out.  Mentally, it was taxing.  Changing gears from work mode to home mode in less than 10 minutes, trying to keep up with the house between dropping off and picking up kids from childcare and school.  I used to pride myself on my ability to multitask, physically and mentally, and now, well, now I'm just tired.  And not afraid to admit it.

Thankfully, I'm privileged to be able to stay home almost FT.  I never thought I'd say that.  My baby gets to sleep in her own bed for all but one of her naps each week.  I get to roll out of bed after my late alarm goes off, take my kids to school in my pajamas, snack all day, have playdates with other SAHMs, and if I wanted to, I'd watch daytime tv (it's just not my thing).  I clean and grade papers and do laundry and cook dinner, participate in a carpool, snuggle and rock with Emma, and breathe a little easier at the end of each day.

This week, I noticed myself making another mental shift.  I let my house be "messy" a little longer than usual.  I read a book to the kids in the middle of the day.  I scratched Ali's back as she laid on the couch before nap time.  I'm hoping I'm dying a little more to my daily agenda.

Some things still frustrate me.  I'm bothered by the nail polish stains on my kitchen table.  And the sagging of the couch cushions.  And the scuff marks under the breakfast bar.  And I wonder how a friend of mine can have an immaculate house and really nice furniture and have the same # and ages of kids as I do.  Then I remind myself of what I hear from people twice my age: I'll miss the nail polish marks one day.  I'll have a couch that looks great and is super uncomfortable.  I'll wish I could say, "Quit kicking your feet under the bar!"

Till then, I'll continue to pick up this crazy crib and try and relax a little.  Don't tell me your basement has never looked like this.

Six months of smiles.

Emma Kathryn is 6 months old today!  She basically popped out of the womb smiling and hasn't stopped since.  Beside still not sleeping more than 7ish hours at night, she is a perfect baby.  Here are some fun facts:

--Nicknames: Starvin' Marvin', Squirmy Wormy, Presh or Precious (me), Emma Kathryn (Zoey), Emiole or Emi (Ali), Emmacita (Joel), Emma Kate (Grandma)

--Tricks: rolling both ways, scooting backward, close to rocking on her knees, sitting by herself, little giggles, putting a spoon in her mouth, shaking toys, takes her paci out of her mouth and puts it back in, squealing/babbling (especially when she wakes up babbling)

--My favorites: holding onto my thumbs when she's drinking her bottle, grabbing my nose and mouth when she's falling asleep, shoving her hand in her mouth when she's so excited she can't contain herself, giving anyone an immediate smile when they smile at her, smiling thru her paci

--Her favorites: graham crackers, chunky, flavored baby cereal, any food with texture (not purees), her bottle, watching her sisters run around like madwomen, people's pets, standing/jumping, napping during the day and going to bed at 7 p.m. (2 2-hr naps and one shorter one.  It's glorious.)

And now, 6 months of smiles.  I tried to pick ones you may have not seen before.

Six months also means I'm hanging up my horns.  I actually haven't pumped in 4 days and am feeling great!  I have not bit the bullet and given her any formula yet, but I need to do it and make sure she adjusts well.  I'm thankful for everyone who listened to me gripe and complain these last 6 months and for Joel and our kids for making the sacrifices necessary to allow me to spend at least 2 hours a day hooked up.  I don't think I'll ever fully know the benefits, but I'm glad I reached my goal and feel at peace stopping at this point in time.  Looking forward to many more squeezable moments with this little Presh!

It started in college.

I'm starting to love the fall season.  I used to be a solely-summer-loving gal, but in recent years, I have really enjoyed bonfire season and watching the leaves turn and gather on the ground.  

This affinity for fall is somewhat new-found, and dare I say, since I embraced the world of antidepressants.  

It started in college, and in all actuality, probably started in high school.  I remember feeling really moody as a 14-yr-old, and progressively so as a 16-yr-old.  Hormones?  Probably.  But I remember sitting in a doctor's office and just crying for no reason during a check up.  I really wanted birth control pills because I heard those "leveled you out."  Of course, that's usually a bad thing to tell your parents - it's only normal of them to assume the "other" reason you want to be on birth control...

During my sophomore year of college, the crying spells started again. And stomach problems.  My hair started falling out.  I went to bed super early.  I stayed in my room.  I avoided social gatherings. My adviser pulled me into her office and asked if I was ok because my classmates were starting to wonder.  I reached an all-time low weight of 108 pounds.  I took 5-6 pills a day to control what was diagnosed as IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome).  I became "super spiritual" during this time to try and make it through.  After all, isn't that what you're supposed to do?  Pray more.  Trust more.  There's a reason for everything.  Push through.  

I saw the light as my senior year rolled around and luckily, I had a few years of pretty constant happiness.  

Then I got married.  (Sorry, Joel). 

Lots of transitions in a short amount of time, and lo and behold, fall was upon us with winter coming quickly.  I spiraled quickly and found myself unable to sleep or eat or pray.  That's right - I couldn't pray.  With seemingly nowhere else to turn, I got some drugs.  And holy cow, a few weeks later, I "woke up."  My sleeping pills were glorious and I felt lighter and more with it.  I started praying again.  

I have SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder.  And starting a few years ago, I take a round of Prozac starting in September-October and wean in April-May.  My doctor described it best: depression is real.  It can hit all of a sudden and it can be too late to work your way out of it before it gets better.  If your brain uses all its serotonin fighting stress, there's a depletion that cannot be replenished without changing the chemistry in the brain.  Antidepressants can help with that.  

Yes, there are people who abuse antidepressants.  And yes, there are people who can fight these blue feelings and pray more and probably trust God more.  But I stopped envying those people and beating myself up for not be as spiritual, and pop a pill to get me through.  It's worth it.  To me and to my family, my coworkers, and my friends.  

I don't like being a druggie, so I'm not one.  But I'm thankful for those who are skilled in this area and have created a "help" for people like me.  

I was unable to do my yearly fall and winter round when I was pregnant with Emma, and I was pleased when I thought I'd escape the post-partum blues as well. Then, when she was 7 weeks old, I woke up one morning and decided I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to do anything, including take care of my kids.  That's when I emailed my doctor and said, "It's time."  

If you're struggling with feeling like you're swimming under water and not going anywhere, or with serious sleep deprivation from racing thoughts, or not wanting to engage with friends and family, or even worse - not eating or wanting to get out of bed, GET HELP.  It's the brave thing to do.  It may not be the most supported thing to do (especially by loved ones) or even the "right" thing or the most spiritual thing.  But if it's right for you, then it's right for you.  And that's what matters.  

It is true.  Jesus loves you.  He is ultimately all we need.  A little blue pill is not the cure-all.  It does not save us nor warrant our full trust.  Jesus does.  And with that perspective, we can lean on earthly measures with hope that this world and its troubles will fade away and one day there will be no more sickness or sadness.  

Until then, keep praying.  Keep trusting.  And take the little blue pill if you need to. 

Here's a great sermon if you want to hear more.  

http://thecrossingchurch.com/media-feeds/darkness-after-the-dawn/  

 

The 7-year itch.

Celebrating seven years of wedded bliss, er, uh, marriage today.  Cause really, what is wedded bliss?  I mean, by day 3 of our honeymoon, Joel and I woke up next to each other, wondered what the heck we had done and were ready to come home.  He made this even clearer on day 7 when he went through the fast food line and ordered and paid for his own food, leaving me in the dust.  And who can forget this? 

I was so excited to get this done!  Little did I know, Joel let me do it so he could make fun of me later

I used to be terrified of year 7, aka The Seven Year Itch.  Now it's here, and the only thing that's itchy is Ali's skin.  Joel and I attended a Mark Driscoll conference a few years ago, and he said most divorces happen before year 9; the main reason being two selfish people refuse to quit being selfish by then, and selfishness ultimately wins. Well, I can't say Joel or I are finished being selfish, and we will never be, but there is no denying we have worked our butts off learning how to be just a little more selfLESS, better communicators, better forgivers, better friends, better partners, and better parents.  We've spent a lot of money enlisting the help of others, and while outsiders have often disagreed with our "methods," there's no shame in that.

Here's a short picture timeline of memories. 

Joel pulled off an epic engagement at Niagara Falls during my grandma's 80th birthday party/family reunion

It took a few times for this guy to give this other guy the "go ahead"

Classic engagement picture ;) We look so young!  (And fit!)

No caption needed

One of my favorite wedding pictures

One of my favorite honeymoon pictures...before day 3 ;) 

Our "before kids" days

I think this picture captures us "settling in" to our life together

Kid 1

Kid 2

Kid 3.  Do we look more progressively more tired?  I think so. 

Every year on our anniversary, we make a list of Top 10 Things to Remember and Top 10 Things to Forget from that previous year.  I am happy to say, the list of things to forget gets shorter and shorter each year.  And although that may be a sad thought to many of you, it's reality, and 2 sinners joining their lives together in a fallen world is reality.  Some things are just best forgotten. Those things make the worth-remembering-memories so much sweeter and more cherished, and for that, I am grateful. 

We read a ton of dating, engagement and marriage books (to a fault), most of which I can't recommend, but there is one I can and will wholeheartedly recommend: The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. 

I love this book because it removes the focus off your spouse and even your marriage and places it on the Gospel, the Good News that Jesus Christ saves us from our unworthiness and wipes our slate clean.  There is no way to get through life, married or not, apart from living in this truth.  And it's an alive and active truth that will not end, which is more good news, because I need to be reminded of it every day.  

So, J, happy anniversary!  Here's to getting through year 7 with flying colors and starting year 8 with only hope and joy in my heart.  Thanks for being faithful to me in the best and worst times and for truly being an amazing father to our girls.  

Love,

-L

The fallout

Since quitting Whole30, I've experienced some "fallout" moments.

I feel fat after every meal.  That's not cool.  Nor fun.  Nor real.  Eating a normal amount of food should not make me feel like I've overindulged. I read this article in a magazine about a woman who exchanged her eating disorder for obsessive working out.  I don't want to be obsessive or foolish.  I want to be balanced.

I feel guilty for eating non-Whole30 foods.  Even somewhat healthy foods.  Once again, not cool.

I don't feel ANY different.  So maybe they were right; maybe I never fully detoxed.

I am making better choices than I was before beginning - yay!  I still haven't had an Oreo. I wanted one last night, but I had taken Zoey to Orange Leaf to celebrate her first day of school, so I resisted the Oreo.  That was a good choice.  Speaking of Orange Leaf...

...I've had Buckingham's BBQ, beer, a frosted brownie, and an M&M cookie since being free.  But other than those things, I've had salad, chicken, fruit, and nuts.  And water - I've only had water to drink.  Wait.  Not true.  I've had OJ in the morning and I had a swig of Pepsi.  That's right, just a swig, out of the 2-liter bottle.  It wasn't that good.

And!  I got my hair cut :)  As soon as I figure out how to make it look at least 20% like the picture, I'll post a selfie.

I'll never know.

I'll never know what it's like to feel fully "detoxed."  I'll never know what it's like to say I completed Whole30 and feel ahhhh-mazing.  I'll never know what it's like to go completely sugar-free for more than 16 days.

That's right.  I QUIT. 

The breaking point was last night.  I had only eaten one full meal by 5 p.m. and it was dinnertime. I could not think of what I wanted to eat.  I read about this.  The two-week food slump.  In the beginning, it's easy to make menus and go grocery shopping.  Then the food slump hits and you have no idea what you even want to eat. That was me.  And I just didn't have any energy to continue.  So I broke down.

I ate a chicken burrito.  Actually, I ate two of them.  Chicken, salsa, and a little cheese in a tortilla. It was great.  Worth it.  I felt full.  That's a nice feeling.  My kids had some potato chips and I thought about it for a second, but then walked past the bag.  I also drank water (which I have trouble doing anyway).

Because it's about making good, balanced choices that are sustainable.  I don't NEED potato chips and Pepsi.  Or even the Oreos which had been sitting on my counter most of the day.  I mean, those things are ok, in moderation.  And I don't know if I have the moderation part down yet, so I refrained.

Then this morning's breakfast.

Not the best choices, but it's my favorite.  And I wanted it.  And I didn't feel bad for eating it.

A friend of mine who happens to be a dietitian told me she's been wanting to tell me for 2 weeks now that she was afraid my milk content for Emma did not contain enough calcium as would be best while doing Whole30.  I'm sure there's a lot of arguments saying the opposite, but I can see her point.  And I told her next time, tell me on Day 1 ;)  

I lost 2 lbs. in the past 2 weeks.  I mean better than nothing, but I think I can continue that trend with healthy eating choices and exercise.  I don't really feel any differently, except I think I do have stronger self-control and an awareness of what I'm putting in my body.  My family is also eating better as a result of how I've shopped the past couple weeks, so that's a plus.  And I know, quitting early, I'll never really experience the full benefits everyone talks about.

One other good thing that came out of this is realizing I like to blog and may actually be able to keep it up!  That is, if people keep reading...

Thanks for following my journey. I'll be your #1 cheerleader if you ever decide to embark on a similar journey, but I'll also cheer you on at the "ice cream store shop" as you order that double-scoop in a waffle cone.

Halfway

Yes, I'm still on the wagon.  Only because my BFF made me breakfast and a snack today; got me going at least.  However, I would be lying if I told you I was not seriously thinking about quitting this gig.  My sister said, "Too bad you made it public."  And she's right.  On the flip side of having everyone rally around you to reach a goal is the fact that everyone gets to see you fall flat on your face as well.  Today I told someone, "Jesus will still love me even if I quit."  Ha.

Remember all those eggs I ate?  Yeah.  Well, Emma has had some increased eczema on her face that has appeared in the last week.  I am SUPER sensitive to eczema because of Ali's allergies, so of course, I started freaking out. I mean, look at this!  We do not want this again.

She's (Emma) has had a patch for quite a while now that comes and goes.  I figured Whole30 would be a great test to see if that went away when I gave up dairy and gluten as part of this thing.  Well, no, it didn't, and some more appeared.  So the next best guess is eggs.

How the h*% can I survive this gig without eggs?!?!  Breakfast?  Snacks?  Protein?? Ugh.  So I have 3.5 dozen eggs sitting in my fridge and I am not going to eat them, at least right now.

That's about all I have to say tonight.

Lucky #13

There's nothing lucky about Day 13 if you ask me.  Supposedly, days 12-15 are supposed to be an "energy burst."  Maybe I have more energy,  but I'm definitely not feeling the magic yet.

Heading into the last 2 weeks, I'm struggling to come up with a menu and struggling even more to come up with snack ideas and foods to have on hand.  I commented earlier that this plan may be doing more harm than good.  Here's why:

When I get hungry and can't think of something to eat, I just don't eat.  So not only am I not drinking enough cause I'm having issues with water, I am now not eating very much.  I need a turnaround and STAT, or else...

There is some good news for today.  I dropped a pumping session, so I'm now only pumping 3 times a day - yay!  Feels like Christmas morning.  I'm praying my supply will maintain for a little while longer while freeing up some time as well.  That 4 p.m. pump during the "witching hour" when school starts this week just wasn't going to happen.

Class starts in a week, so it's time for a new do.  Thoughts on this?

Meanwhile, this is what I currently look like.

Maybe? Maybe??

Day 11 - MUCH better than Day 10 and Day 8, my hardest days so far.  THANK YOU JESUS!

One thing I've noticed the past couple days is I'm not as hungry.  For anything, even the "allowed" food.  Yesterday, two people told me I look thinner, which of course, is a bonus ;)  I still really struggle with drinking water.  As in, I am not sure I've had any today and it's 2:16 p.m.  Need to work on that.

I also have more energy, which is probably because I finally got a decent night's sleep as well - 10 p.m.-6:30 a.m.  THANK YOU EMMA! (And Jesus).  And I drank a black, Starbuck's coffee this morning, which tasted like cigarettes, but still, it must've hit the spot.

One more thing that has made today good: Hyvee's flyer this week is advertising a lot of foods I can have on sale.  Yay!  I mean, I go through 4-5 lbs of bananas a week, and they are $.29/lb. And eggs are $.99/dozen.  It's the little things, folks.

I will say, my lifestyle makes following Whole30 really difficult.  I have at least 2 things per week on the calendar where "good" food is present that I have to resist.  Will my mentality on this change?  Is it wrong to look forward to food? Is it wrong to pair fun events with the food that will be there?  Aren't relationships enhanced when people share meals?  Do they need to be Whole30 meals? Would I benefit from limiting myself to just one "treat" a day, or should I not want treats at all?  Hmmmm.  The thoughts I'm chasing in my head...

And in honor of Emma, here's the latest pictures.

Sleeping beauty

See, I told you you'd be happy after sleeping all night...

I think I can, I think I can.

Days 10-11: The Hardest Days.

Fact: you are most likely to quit your Whole30 program on Day 10 or 11. By this point, the newness of the program has worn off. You’ve made it through most of the unpleasant physical milestones, but you’ve yet to experience any of the “magic” the program promises. You’re still struggling to establish your new routine (read: you’ve eaten eggs prepared ten different ways over the last ten days), and while you’ve been trying really hard to have a good attitude, today you are incredibly aware of all the foods you’re “choosing not to eat right now.”  Everywhere you look, you see the things you “can’t” have: the melted cheese on a greasy burger, the creaminess of that double-scoop cone, the cold beer in your best friend’s tailgate cooler. Dammit, this is hard! And right now you’re wondering if the results will really be as good as “they” all say it is.

You’re cranky, you’re impatient, and you’re really, really tempted to just eat the stupid cheese.

This is where you really start to experience the psychological hold that your food habits have on you. You’ve put in a lot of effort to get to where you are right now, but you’re still waiting for the results you’re hoping to see. Your  brain tells you that you deserve some kind of reward (don’t you?) and, of course, we’ve been conditioned to think of food as the best reward out there. Right now, you’re craving that ice cream, beer, or whatever treat you think would make for just the right reward. But, instead of that treat, you’re standing face to face with the realization that you have 20 more days of deprivation ahead of you.

The key here is to redefine your idea of reward.  Think long and hard about the foods you’re grieving and ask yourself what need you’re expecting them to fulfill.  Are you feeling anxious and looking for reassurance?  Are you feeling sad, and looking for something to cheer you up? Are you worried you won’t successfully finish the program, and it’s easier to self-sabotage than fail? Remind yourself that food cannot fill that void for you—cannot make you feel truly accomplished, comforted, calm, happy, beautiful. Then, find another way to fill that need that does not involve those foods. Prepare yourselves for these days, knowing that all you have to do is see them through to the other side before things get much, much easier.

- See more at: http://whole30.com/2013/08/revised-timeline/#sthash.g1lx49eW.dpuf

A lot of eggs.

Heading into week 2, foods I need to re-stock:

Eggs - I am almost through my initial buy of 3 dozen since last Monday

Grape Tomatoes - Went through the Sam's 32 oz. package

Apples, bananas

Lemons, Limes (you know, for flavored water)

Snap peas

New foods: 

Grapefruit and watermelon

Cucumber/tomato salad

Tuna (as long as I can stomach it, we have a love-hate relationship)

Pulled Pork and Turkey Bacon


Today I had thoughts of "Why am I torturing myself if I'm just gonna go back to my normal diet?" Maybe I won't, maybe I'll experience the benefits soon.  I'm not even really craving anything.  I'm just sad I can't eat what I want.  But there's little victories every day.  Like today, I bypassed the donut and bagel table at church and drank black coffee instead of the yummy stuff.  Sundays are one of my favorite days because of those 3 things.  I made it through.

My milk supply is going up and down, which of course, is stressing me out a little.  Emma has been up 3x/night for the past who-knows-how-many-nights, so I'm extra tired.  All of it combined is a little much.

Not quitting, though.  Last week I made a meal like this one and it got me through.  Surely this week I'll have another "high" like that.

A small amount of pork sausage, 2 eggs, 1 white potato, 1/2 avocado, grape tomatoes, and green onions.  Yummy!

I broke the rules.

I'm a first-born.  I like to follow the rules.  But tonight I broke them.

I used taco seasoning.

I read the ingredients of all the different brands and really, none was "better" than the other, so I got the cheapest.  It had soy in it.  And a couple other unpronounceable ingredients, which is a big, fat "NO NO!" while on whole30.

(Sidenote...I don't know if it's whole30 or Whole30.  This bothers me).

Anyway, I've avoided licking my fingers or the spoon when I'm preparing something I can't eat and taste-testing meals I make for my family, but I gave into taco seasoning.

Shoot me.

Day 5 has been okay, actually!  I read last night Days 10-11 are the hardest.  Wonderful.  Like the first 5 days have been a breeeeeze.  Right.

I've decided my main craving is cheese and ice cream.  I've gotta figure out how to get some calcium!  I also crave what I can't have.  Oh wait, that's most everything.  Baked goods are hard to pass up.  But for some reason, overall, it's getting a little easier.

And I made it through Orange Leaf with minimal discomfort which is a feat in itself.

Part of why I'm doing this is to kick the associations I make with food.  For example, I'll start thinking about what to order at a restaurant the day before we go.  Or the first thing I want when it comes to celebrating something is food.  Even yet, I'll fixate on an event and what food will be present.  It's just a little out of control.

So now, I'm still thinking about food constantly, but at least it's about healthy food.  It's a start. Maybe I'll eventually think about even healthy food not-so-much.  That's my goal.  Well, and to lose weight and not be dependent on sugar for a "high."

Onward to day 6!  No more breaking rules.

Day 3.

I'd like to start by saying spaghetti squash does not equal spaghetti noodles.

Today was slightly better than the past 2 days.  I did not have a headache today.  My adverse physical symptoms usually start around 2 p.m., which is interesting because my sugar cravings usually start around that time each day.  Of course, except for the past 3 days, I usually give into them.

I was, however, thoroughly exhausted today.  My eyes were burning, and I had many thoughts of going to bed.  I'm sure some of it was the fact I got home at 1:15 a.m. from the baseball game, but still.

Speaking of the baseball game, I stuck to it!  I had a hot dog (without the bun), water, snap peas, and almonds.  And a Larabar.  I'll save the Larabar story for last.

So here we go.

7:00 - Pumping session #1.  Not really hungry.

7:30 - Fried 2 eggs, 2 pieces of ham, and made a banana-blueberry-almond butter-coconut milk smoothie. Yummy!

7:45 - Packed my food for the morning/lunch.  "Man, this takes a while."  Salad stuff, hard boiled eggs, almonds...

8:00 - Pick up Emma, head to a garage sale.

10:00 - Interesting, not too hungry.

11:00 - Ok, I'm hungry.  Salad time.  I kinda look forward to my loaded salads with lemon juice.

2:00 - Hungry again, but hey, not feeling too shabby yet.  Apples and carrots with almond butter.

4:00 - Time to make dinner.  Spaghetti's on the menu, so of course, I have to avoid the pasta.  I go for spaghetti squash instead.  I had it before and liked it!  (I didn't even taste the noodles to see if they were done.  I figure if I have to suffer, my family can eat some crunchy noodles if need be.  Luckily, I think they were done because everyone cleaned their plate).

5:00 - Problemo uno: It took long enough to cook that I got nervous I'd have nothing to eat.  Problemo dos: You can't surround an Italian girl with pasta and force her to eat spaghetti squash instead.  It's just not the same.  In fact, it's not even close when everyone else is slurping up those beautiful, white, squishy spaghetti noodles.  Getting sad now.

5:30 - "Mom, can we have ice cream?"  The other day I said, "No," mainly because I couldn't take the temptation.  Today, I decided to face my fears.  Guys, it was bad.  It took everything in me to not lick the spoon or my fingers, but I did it.  Definitely feeling more sad.  I guess I'll have a Larabar.

Thank goodness for Larabars!  These little packages are stuffed full of Whole30 goodness, especially when the cravings get rough. I've had them before, but only the chocolate and/or peanut butter kinds.  Today, I found SIX varieties that are safe to eat.  My friend said she only eats 1/2 at a time.  That's some crazy willpower, cause I have to stop myself from inhaling them.  Who knew dates could be so delicious?!

Present time: I'm hungry.  There's absolutely nothing I want to eat.  So they say I must not really be hungry.  I must just be craving things I can't or shouldn't have.  I should drink some water.  I'm not even thirsty. Bummer.  They say the hangover feeling starts to wane on day 4.  Here's hoping...

Day 1.

Whole30 has begun and I'm feeling a whole lot of "blah."  Here's a recap of Day 1:

7:00 - Normal pumping session, thinking ahead to breakfast and grocery shopping.

8:00 - Breakfast.  Excited to use coconut oil for the first time!  Darn...only 3 eggs left and Zoey wants some. Craving some juice.  Filled up my water bottle instead.  My smoothie (mixed fruit with coconut milk from the can) tastes bland.

8:30 - Family exercise time.  Success!

9:00 - Grocery shopping begins.  Lots and lots of produce and meat.  Really, that's pretty much all I bought. Felt pretty good about it!

10:30 - Hungry.  Yikes.  Didn't have any snacks to bring.  Break open the newly bought bags of almonds and snap peas for the drive home.

12:00 - Still hungry.  Not sure what to eat.  Baked a sweet potato, but of course, no toppings for it.  Eating it was kinda like knawing on a warm, raw potato.

1:30 - Pumping session #2.  Ate some chicken and some more snap peas at the same time.  Feeling a little more full.

2:00 - Start feeling sad and tired.  Sad I don't have any food to look forward to today.  Prepping stuffed peppers for dinner with veggies as a side.  Bummer.  I don't really like cooked veggies.  Tough luck! Ate some almond butter and a green apple for a snack.  Basically inhaled it.  Having trouble feeling thirsty enough to drink more water.

4:30 - Pumping session #3.  REALLY not looking forward to dinner, although, I am hungry again.

5:30 - Joel is working late.  I had to start eating.  My pepper tastes pretty good, given it only has meat and tomatoes in it!  Cooked veggies are just ok.  The best part is the cranberries because they're sweet.  No dessert.  BIG BUMMER!  Feeling more sad, almost "grieving."  How ridiculous!

7:45 - Another smoothie.  Third time today the Vitamix has been put to use.  Banana, cocoa powder, coconut milk, ice.  Wanted to drink it in one, big drink, but spread it out to about 5.

Presently - Wondering how crappy I'll feel tomorrow.  But Day 1 is over.  It's kinda nice to not have any "food regrets" for the day.

An update.

It's been two and a half months since my last post, and some things are the same and some things are different.  First, for my milk-making update.

About the time I posted last, I made the switch from pumping/nursing to exclusively pumping.  Ep'ing is pretty much the worst of both worlds.  I can't nurse on demand if my baby is upset or hungry, nor can I make a bottle "on the run" like is possible when using formula.  Sooooo...I decided if I was going to take this route, I had to make it work for me.

I started pumping 7 times a day, did that for 3 weeks, and then dropped to 6, 5, and 4 in a very short amount of time.  I'm on a FB pumping group and got a lot of flack for only pumping 4 times a day before the 12-week mark when supply is established.  But I just could not hook up that many times a day, and I've been very lucky that I have only experienced a slight increase, not a decrease, in my supply.  I make enough for Emma to eat every day and freeze about 10 oz. per day.  I have about 450-500 oz. stored in my deep freeze, and while I used to think people were nuts when they talked about investing in 2 deep freezers, I now see how it could be possible.  I don't plan on getting to that point.

Luckily, the pain subsided after about 3 weeks.  I have pumped approximately 114 hours since this journey began.  I get excited when I need to buy new pump parts or supplements, and I get even more excited when I FIND OUT about new and different kinds of pump parts.  I track every ounce and am happy when I have a high-output day and get sad when I have a low-output day.  But.  Do I wish I had the courage to give my baby formula so I could stop all this madness?Yes, I do.

The #1 question I get asked: "Are you still pumping?"  And the #2 question is, "How long do you plan on pumping?"  No idea.  My first goal was 2 weeks of breastfeeding.  My 2nd was a month.  My 3rd was 3 months of pumping.  Passed that.  I'm hoping to make it to 6 months and quit.  I think it'd be a nice birthday present to myself and my family.  We'll see.  Of course, I'll probably have 2+ more months of breast milk stored in the freezer by then, and Emma will be knee-deep in table food at that time, so I would hope I'd feel less guilty for quitting.

I still don't know how to answer the questions, "Are you breastfeeding?"  And I've decided never to ask a mom that question.  I get looks all around when I whip out Emma's bottle.  If they only knew what was in it...

In other news, I worked my last day at the job I've been at for the past 7 years.  My kids are at Grandma and Grandpa's for a week, and I'm breathing some fresh air - something I don't feel I've been able to do in quite some time.  My goals for this week are to read a book (Unbroken), do a different workout routine every day, play with my baby, and mentally prepare for the school year ahead of us.

I also decided to join my friends and do Whole30 for the month of August.  Basically, it's a glorified Paleo regiment, and although I want to lose the last few pounds if possible while still pumping, I really need a system detox.  I plan on blogging through this cleanse, because, well, I'm going to have a lot of pent up anger and emotion without sugar and carbs.  And alcohol.  Don't worry, Mom, I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize my caloric intake - I'm going to eat A LOT of everything healthy.

Bring on the meat!

They say if it hurts, something is wrong. I call BS.

I made it 2 weeks longer than my initial goal.  We are at 4 weeks at Emma has yet to have a drop of formula.

She's a great baby.  A great eater, a great sleeper, a great cuddler.  She doesn't spit up, doesn't have bad diapers, doesn't scream after she burps...some of my unfounded fears and horrible vivid memories of Ali's first year of life.  Which I'm now projecting upon baby #3.  Yes, projecting.  I know that's a no-no.

In the past 4 weeks, I've used the following drugs, herbs, and "gear" to make it where we are today:
--nipple shields
--nipple shells (yes, they're different)
--different pump parts than the original
--2 big boxes of nursing pads before I switched to reusable
--2 tubes of Lanolin
--prescription strength Triple Nipple Ointment
--Nifedipine (for blood circulation)
--Diflucan (for yeast)
--Sunflower Lecithin
--Fenugreek
--Blessed Thistle
--Tylenol and Ibuprofen around the clock (after pain pills ended)
--Nystatin and Bactroban, currently waiting to be picked up (I need to pick one)

I've seen an IBCLC 3 times, called my OB office once a week (along with an off-site consult at Flat Branch), talked to my GP doc, and seen a dermatologist.  My LC says she sees 1-2 of "me" per year.  I told Joel I'm happy to be part of such an elite club.

No one has an answer.  Well, I take that back.  Everyone has a proposed answer, they just don't really match up and they're not really conclusive answers.  I've cried almost every day, but this week has been better.  After a swift kick in the pants from my voice of reason (J).

The bottom line is I don't trust God in yet another area.  I don't trust Him (still) with Ali's health (obviously, since I'm still bothered by things that occurred a few years ago).  Now I don't trust Him with Emma's impending health if we have to switch to formula.  During a recent breakdown, I told Joel I just wanted the best for her.  He quickly put me in my place saying that if I was striving for the best of everything for our kids, I better stop.  They will not always have the "best" in life and we HAVE to trust God to fill in the gaps. HE is the best for her, for us.

That's perspective for you.

So - where do I (we) go from here.  I'm pumping through the pain until I feel ok about stopping and/or until the pain subsides.  I woke up today thinking about how glorious it'd be to not be in pain for a day, which means, the inevitable is probably approaching sooner rather than later.

The catch-22 of this whole thing is the MOM GUILT kicks in.  I mean breast is best, right?  Breastfed babies are smarter, happier, healthier, prettier, cleaner, smell better, grow up to be CEO's, CFO's...the list goes on and on.  Throw on top of that the fact I had 3 c-sections, I'm a working mom,  I use disposable diapers, I don't plan to homeschool my kids, and Joel and I don't have a problem getting a babysitter maybe too often.

I mean, maybe it's true, but seriously, what a burden to carry.  Shame on the extremists, the marketers, the commercials, the doctors, the _____, the _____ who love to make this a do-or-die issue.  And I fall for it every time, because yes, there's some truth in it.  But currently, I'm neglecting 2 other kids and a husband, to strive for the "best" -- and at what cost? Spiritually, my desire and motivation is out of whack.  Monetarily, we're spending tons grasping for an answer, and emotionally, I am swinging from mountaintops to valleys hoping to catch a break in between.

We'll see what happens.  I know in the end, God is faithful and with us and will take care of my kids.  From now until they're 99.  We're bound to make some "bad" choices in raising them, and I hope we do, so He can work and we can all grow from it.  And I hope I can shed the mom guilt and move on to enjoy raising 3 dancing princesses.